Calvin and Hobbes: The Failed Series
by The Blue Dude
Summary: This was my first attempt at a fanfic and an abridged series in general. It failed miserably, as I took a few too many potshots too early in the story, and by the fourth chapter I'd run out of steam. I plan to make another fic later.
1. Birth of a Hatred

**SUMMARY:** Calvin and Hobbes meet. Hilarity ensues.

* * *

**THE CALVIN AND HOBBES THEME SONG!**

Calvin tap dances over to a CD player, and abruptly stops.

"You know what. No. I'm not doing this drivel. Is there any reason to rip of-ahem, reference two seperate theme songs just to make yourself seem authentic? And why am I tap dancing anyway?"

_Uh... yeah. Whatever. On to the episode!_

"Oh, please don't tell me you're still into that 'this is a TV show!' malarkey."

_Look, if you want a narrator, stop whining about everything that comes your way! It's in your contract!_

"... Fine."

_Alrighty then. Oh, and apologies to Bill Watterson for butchering his timeless classic. I'm being completely sincere. Really. I am._

* * *

It was the beginning of June, around noon, when our story begins.

There was a young boy of about six years, nonchalantly leaning on an oak tree. He had been thinking about great things, and though he was too young to realize it, he would fulfill them all in time.

_I just made that all up to get you interested. Got your attention, didn't it?_

_Anyway, blah blah blah tiger trap blah blah blah stuff it blah blah blah meet 'n' greet - geez, this episode is BORING. All that happens is the two leads meeting!_

"Isn't that what the episode is supposed to be about?"

Hobbes was standing there, sulking.

_Well, yeah, it is..._

"Well, why are you complaining? I'm not the storyteller here! I'm not the one charged with intricately weaving worlds through prose and cleverness!"

_Well, whatever then. Go off and get yourself killed or something._

"It doesn't really matter if I die - the show will bomb either way."

_Well, thank yo- HEY! You imbecile! You shall not mock the beauty of my fic in any way!_

"Really? So what's with all the spelling errors and typos?"

_Wat the heck are you taking about? I sure as heck dont see any here!/ oh eait. darn it._

"You know what? I'm leaving. NOW."

And with that, Hobbes finally stormed off to backstage.

* * *

The backstage was a pretty neat place. It was all white, and has some plants for atmosphere, as well as a makeup mirror and desk and such, as well as a bunch of lights. It really captured that Hollywood look.

Too bad we're not in Hollywood.

Anyway, Calvin was in there.

"So how'd it go?"

"Terrible."

"Ah. Unsurprising."

"Really, it's a futile quest to rebel against this guy anyway. We're contractually bound to him."

"Oh well. Guess we'll just make do with MSTing the Ramsey outta this thing."

"Great idea! And please never use 'Ramsey' like that again."


	2. Lights, Camera, Traction!

**SUMMARY:** Calvin gets a camera. Many jokes about the terribleness of the plot ensue.

"Alright, so what's next?"

"Hang on, let me pull this up... oh great."

"Hoo boy, this is terrible. 'I get a camera?' That's it? That's all you can do for your landmark second episode? Freakin' great."

"Alright. You know what to do."

"Wait for the Fanfic sign to blare?"

"Exactly."

Shortly after Hobbes had said that, the room turned red and sirens began to blare.

"AUUUUUGH! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!"

_Ah man that was a wikced cool party I had last night. Anyway where was I?_

_Oh yeah. Calvin gets a camera and hilarity ensues. LET'S DO THIS._

"SWEET! A CAMERA!", Calvin exclaimed, snatching it.

"I can't wait to cause some hilarious hijinx with this thing!"

"Dare I ask?", Hobbes pondered, waltzing into the scene.

"Well... this thing could totally capture some incriminating evidence!"

"Typical."

"WHAT'D YOU SAY?!"

"I said, 'typical.'"

Calvin blinked. "Oh."

"As I was saying, the problem is that nothing ever goes on here!"

Calvin thought about this sudden predicament for a while. "Indeed. Guess how I shall remedy this?"

"I already know. You're gonna cause trouble, thus causing some hilarious hijinx, and then you'll try to fix it and fail, getting grounded by the end of the episo - oh no, the script speak is getting to me!"

"Yeah, you should see a doctor about that. So... now what?"

The duo pondered things for a while. Hobbes had brilliantly defused the whole plot of the episode, and thus there'd be no reason to continue the chapter!

"How about we just sneak out of the set and - "

_NOT SO FAST, YOU LITTLE RUNTS!_

The narrator's abrupt voice made the duo jump. "What now?!" they complained in union.

_I've put up with your antics long enough!_

"It's only the second episode." wryly noted Hobbes.

_Well, it seemed like a lifetime! And now, you PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES!_

"What are you gonna do, shackle us together? Cuz that would make people really creeped out." queried Calvin.

He knew that he was tangling with life and death, but he was sure that the voice he'd been irritating was any more of a god than himself.

And since his "small name, big ego" thing was just an act, this wasn't much.

_NO! I'M GOING TO STAR IN PLAGIARIZED SCENARIOS THAT ARE JUST OBSCURE ENOUGH FOR PEOPLE TO THINK THEY'RE ORIGINAL!_

Calvin and Hobbes gasped.

"You... you're a madman! No person can do that!", Hobbes said.

_WELL, I CAN! BESIDES, IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE WILL RETALIATE!_

"Oh yeah? WE WILL!" Calvin declared, bringing out his Transmogrifier Gun.

_Pssh. How are you going to tear apart an intangible entity?_

"LIKE THIS!", retorted Calvin, tearing apart part of the following paragraph to find the author.

The author's bedroom was a mess from top to bottom. There were books everywhere (Calvin could make out a few Calvin and Hobbes books in the clutter), an NES with two piles of games, and an empty, disheveled bunk bed.

Then there was the author himself, a decidedly average-looking man with a goatee. Surprisingly, Calvin was at a loss for insults or even any sort of description.

"Alright, bucko! This is it!"

"Whatever. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful -"

"CUT THE REFERENCES ALREADY!"

"Fine." With that, the author put up his dukes, ready for the fight of his life.

"You do know that I wasn't here for a fight... right?"

The author paused.

"What?"

"You heard me right. I had completely nonviolent intentions."

"Well, what the deuce were you intending to do?"

"This." Calvin swiftly snatched the author and pulled him into the fanfic, completely decimating the s.

few wo d

next

**!**

I hope you like the story so far!

In case you're wondering - yes, that "retaliate" bit near the end is referring to myself, who happens to know about that kinda stuff. Dunno why.


	3. The World's Worst Author

The portal to Calvin's world was quite trippy. Lots of letters and numbers and equations the author hadn't seen since high school floated by, and there were a lot of pretty colors.

"Where are we?" he shouted.

"Where do you think? This is the interdimensional portal. It's required by law to be really really trippy."

"Huh."

He decidedly to keep quiet for the rest of the trip. It was one of the few wise decisions he'd ever made in his life.

Eventually, they touched the ground - no, more like tackled it, really.

"Welcome. We've been waiting for you." Hobbes was standing nearby, holding a suitcase.

The author sniffed. "What's that smell?"

"Tuna fish," Calvin explained. "You'd think the smell would've subsided by now, but it hasn't!"

"Anyway, why'd you bring me here! I had a great plot ready for this chapter! Wanna hear about it?"

"NO," the duo sternly replied. "We're here strictly for business."

"Well, then get to the point! There's no use in stalling!"

"Alright then," Hobbes replied. Your writing sucks."

The author was flabbergasted. "WHAT?!"

"It sucks. There's no other way to describe it. Typos are plentiful, characterization is flimsy, the plots can be easily resolved if we weren't forced to be idiots, and most importantly _your originality is non-existant._"

"Y... you can't be serious!"

"Oh, but we are!," Calvin retorted. "How many gags have you taken from your childhood cartoons? Even now it seems like you're a manchild of the highest degree!"

"But what about Christian Wes-"

"He's a case all in himself. Let's not go there."

There was a lengthy pause. The author was forced to confront his childish ways. Could he change them? Could he move out of his parents' basement?

Maybe he could.

"Alright, I've got a deal. If you let me go, I'll promise not to be stupid. Alright?"

The duo stood there for a second, then went into a huddle.

"Alright."

* * *

The trip back to reality was uneventful, and the author swiftly opened up Word to start working on his next chapter.

Meanwhile, back in the fic's dimension, Calvin and Hobbes laid in bed, discussing the author.

"Do you think he'll keep his promise?"

"Hopefully he will."


	4. Arriba Fireworks!

**!Arriba Fireworks!** (or: Use Punctuation Correctly)

A small six year-old boy held an alarm clock over the bed of his parents, a tall balding man and his brown-haired wife.

The boy turned the alarm volume up at full blast, and put some earphones he'd gotten from nowhere over his head as the seconds counted down.

It didn't take long before it rang.

Mom and Dad shot out of bed as the sound echoed throughout the house. Exactly how it did this, seeing how the house wasn't metal, is up for debate.

"Wakey, wakey!" screamed Calvin. "Today's the Fourth of July!"

Calvin grabbed a hat decorated with the American flag, put on an Uncle Sam beard, and dancing across Mom and Dad's bed while singing The Star Sprinkled Banner.

Dad grabbed the alarm clock and shoved it in Calvin's face.

"WHY ARE YOU SO ENTHUSIASTIC!" screamed Dad.

Calvin inexplicably grinned and explained, "I have no idea! The only reason people care about is for the fireworks!"

Calvin went skipping out of the room singing a peppy tune.

Mom glared at Dad, then went back to sleep.

Later that day, Calvin and Hobbes were in the car and heading for town.

"I can't wait to get our fire works!" Said Calvin.

"'Fire works?'" Dad laughed. "You need to stop putting unnecessary spaces in words. It makes you sound illiterate. Besides, we're not getting any!"

Calvin's grin dropped like a ton of bricks. It ended up burrowing through the center of the Earth.

"_**WHAT?**_" he screamed.

"We can't have any dangers this year, now can we?" Said Dad.

"Of course we can!" protested Calvin. "That's what Independence Day is all about! Loud booms and bright lights! There's no reason why we can't endanger people's lives for our own amusement!"

ABRUPT SCENERY CHANGE

"That'll be four fifty." said the lady at the checkout stand in the GeneriCo grocery store.

"You sure you don't want another teleporting cupcake, Calvin?" asked Mom, completely oblivious to his conflict.

"Screw y'all." Calvin muttered. It's a wonder he got away with saying it.

At home Calvin and Hobbes were holding a 4th of July meeting of G.R.O.S.S.

"This meeting of Get Rid Of Slimy girlS shall now be called to order." Calvin said, pushing his newspaper hat into place.

"Hear, hear." Hobbes said, clapping.

"As of now," Calvin said. "News report shall be held early. First Tiger Hobbes shall record the minutes."

Hobbes took out a notepad and a pencil, and started writing.

"Our new enemy of the club is called DAD. Don't ask why it's all-caps, that's why it's so important." Calvin declared.

Hobbes quickly wrote that down. "Dad new enemy. Much confusion over why a male is our new enemy."

"He, as of now, has deprived us of Independence Day!" Calvin announced.

Hobbes wrote furiously. "Doesn't give us fireworks. Many critics start heckling."

"Now, we have a desperate mission: We must make our _own_ fireworks, and soak Dad."

"And there was much rejoicing." Hobbes wrote. "Yay."

"Our revenge shall be well planned and mapped out!" Calvin yelled, punching the air.

"The rejoicing continues, many start trying to eat themselves for some reason." Hobbes wrote.

"Now moving on to the next event." Calvin announced.

Hobbes wrote, "Dictator for life finish up news, many boos and obscene gestures."

"How can we make the fireworks?" Calvin asked Hobbes.

"Well," Hobbes said. "What are other fireworks made of?"

"Metal, rockets, TNT, and fancy paint." Calvin replied, dully.

"MMMM!" Hobbes thought out loud, defeating the purpose of thinking in the process. "Where can we get those?"

Calvin shrugged, and leaned against the wall of the tree house.

"We can borrow the rockets from the Time Machine, and use that unstable nuclear device Grandma gave me last Christmas, but I don't know where we can get metal or TNT."

"We could use the bomb your Grandpa gave you," Hobbes suggested. "But that still leaves the problem about metal."

"Yes." Calvin agreed. "Dad's such a safety freak, we wouldn't be able to find any metal within fifty miles of our house!"

Hobbes nodded.

"Perhaps we can find a substitute?" He asked.

Calvin shook his head.

"Is there such a thing as a metal replacement?" he asked.

"Yes." Hobbes replied.

"Well, then heck with it. We need REAL metal for no real reason at all." Calvin said.

Just then, Mom called Calvin into the house for lunch.

Calvin and Hobbes climbed down the rope ladder, and walked into the house.

"Who are we fooling, Calvin?" Hobbes asked. "We can't make fireworks. They're too complicated."

"Plan B." Calvin whispered.

Calvin and Hobbes rushed into the living room where Dad was reading a book.

Abandoning all their pride, Calvin and Hobbes bent down on their knees, and put their hands together into a prayer, and started whining.

"PUH-LEEEEESE GET US FIREWORKS!" Calvin pleaded.

"Do you really think I'll let you?" Dad replied.

"Just some sparklers then!" Calvin yelled.

"Nah." Dad said, not looking up from his book.

"GET US _SOMETHING_ THAT HAS TO DO WITH LIGHTS!" Calvin screamed, abandoning his Bambi eyes.

"We have flashlights that change colors." Dad said simply.

Calvin jumped up in anger.

"OH! You _accept_ flashlights? What if the bulb explodes? What if we get shocked from electricity from it! What we poke our eyes out with the batteries while putting them into the flashlight?"

"Geez, and you think I'm a safety freak." Dad said, not noticing the irony at all.

"REVENGE! RE-VEEEEEEEEEENGE!" Calvin screamed, dragging his stuffed tiger up the stairs.

A few minutes later, Calvin had tied all his bed sheets together, and threw it out the window.

They crawled out of the window, abandoning all of physics in the process, and rushed into town.

"Ok, Hobbes." Calvin said. "All we have to do is buy a couple of fireworks, and then, set them off tonight. We'll say to Mom and Dad we didn't do it, and kabaam! A wonderful 4th of July."

"Why are you sounding things out loud?"

Calvin shrugged. "I have no idea."

* * *

"Sorry kid, you have to be 18 or older to make a purchase." The man at the stand said, in a remarkably deadpan way.

"WHAT?" Calvin screamed. "I'll have you know that I _am_ 18 or older! I'm actually 52, and haven't started puberty yet!"

"Sorry kid, you're going to have to have a better grasp on the human lifecycle to get past me." the man said.

"OK, here!" Calvin grabbed his magic marker, and poked red dots all over his face. "Here ya go! Pimples! Now gimme!"

"Get out of here." the man spat. Calvin grumbled, and walked away.

"Perhaps you should've learned basic human biology first." Hobbes said.

"Shut up!" Calvin spat, wiping the magic marker off his face. "Two can play at _His_ little game!"

"Since when is he a deity?"

Calvin stared. "You have a strange mind."

* * *

A tall man wearing a suit walked up to the fireworks display.

"Hello." He said in a deep voice. "I'd like to buy some fireworks."

"Nice try." the man said.

"What are you talking about?" the man asked.

"I know it's you, kid," said the man. He ripped the hat off. Revealing a very angry man's face.

"Whoop!" The guy said. "Sorry, dude. Here's your works."

Seconds after that man left, thankfully not questioning the use of "works", another one came up.

"Hello!" he said in a deep voice. "Gimme some works."

The man took the hat off, revealing a stuffed tiger's head.

"Get out of here." he muttered.

Calvin took the suit off, and walked away, grumbling.

"That's a sharp guy." Hobbes observed, a little later. "He destroyed our clone of Dad, ignored us when we came up and demanded them, and threw us in a garbage can when we started bombarding him with water balloons."

"That guy's tough!" Calvin spat. "It might be weeks before we get something!"

"Perhaps we should try reasoning with him." Hobbes suggested.

"That's a terrible idea!" Calvin spat. "But wait! If we tried reasoning with him... that's it!" Calvin jumped up in victory. "This is the best joke ever, right?"

"I don't know." Hobbes, sighed, shaking his head.

Minutes later, Calvin and Hobbes had their fireworks.

"That was great!" Calvin yelled. "We simply reasoned with the guy, and we got our works! We should try that more often."

"Yes." Hobbes agreed.

That night, "Hey Calvin, lets go out and watch the fireworks." Dad said.

"Oh, you'll see some fireworks all right." Calvin chuckled.

Outside, the fireworks were amazing.

But Calvin ignored the light show, and set up his own fireworks behind Dad's back, being the wise man that he is.

"You sure this is gonna work?" Hobbes whispered.

"Watch and learn, buddy." Calvin whispered.

Hobbes lit the rocket with his claw and... **A SPLODE!**

It was amazing.

It was worth Dad whirling around and catching Calvin in the act.

It was the most beautiful display ever.

Bright lights, red colors and a big boom.

Oh, yes, Calvin had to endure a bunch of screaming and cussing from his dad, but considering that he had just seen the most stupendous Intedependence or whatever Day ever, it was worth it.

That night, in bed, Calvin and Hobbes were reliving the magnificence of their earlier experience.

"It was great!" Hobbes sighed.

"Too bad it only happens once a year." Calvin said.

"Say, Calvin, didn't you buy _two_ fireworks?" Hobbes said, suddenly.

"There were two, and I lit 'em too!" Calvin said.

"But I only saw one explosion! Where'd the other one go?" Hobbes asked.

"Who cares?" Calvin asked. "Maybe it went to the Land of Oz, and blew up a witch."

Calvin and Hobbes laughed, and fell asleep to a wonderful, though grammatically incorrect, dreams of their experience.

Outside, high above the clouds in an alien spaceship...

"Well, once again our plan to destroy Earth has failed." the Alien captain said.

"Yes, chief," another said. "It seems that as long as thereare people on Earth, we will never get the upper hand."

"By the way, how do you speak English again?"

Just then, a loud CLUNK sounded outside.

"What was that?" The King asked.

An alien looked onto the radar screen.

"It appears to be... TNT."

"WHAT!" The King screamed. Just then the Firework exploded.

_**A SPLODE!**_

"Whoops!" Captain Obvious said, having just arrived through the window. "There goes our force field."

The sparks from the explosion then got into the engine.

"Whoops!" he said, again. "There go our thrusters."

The king handed another alien a baseball bat.

"Here. Please hit me has hard as you can. With this." He took his crown off, and leaned forward. "Don't hold back – and _please_ don't ask why I'm requesting this. Or why my English is terrible, for that matter."

The alien, grinned stupidly, an raised the bat.

WHACK!

"OW! STOP ACTING LIKE A SOUTHERN PERSON!"

**The End**

* * *

_Author's Notes: From here on out, the fic will shift into a new thing - taking the original fic and mocking it thoroughly. _

_If you are Swing123, please do not mind this fic - your earlier works aren't very good, but you've definitely improved since then!_

_Also - when you review this story, _please _keep in mind that this is an affectionate parody._


End file.
